i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
