Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He did a backflip because drugs
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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