saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
