kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize