Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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