She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
