I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
