The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
