last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
