this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
