My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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