you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
