does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
