I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
