Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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