Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
