She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize