It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My vagina is officially offended.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
