i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
