I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
