Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
