HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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