TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
