When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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