rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
