just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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