I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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