saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
