70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize