genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
