I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
