Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize