So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
