I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
