my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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