You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
