I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
