Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
