meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my phone needs a breathalizer
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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