he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
