you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
