peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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