You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
