Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
