she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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