He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
