I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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