Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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