I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
