Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
