The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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