I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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