I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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